all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
