I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
