I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery