I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
