Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
