How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
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I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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