1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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