she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
