i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm passing your future prison.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
