Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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