This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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