If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
