I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
