Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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