and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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