tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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