I think I won the penis lottery.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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