i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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