Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
