I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
