I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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