My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
