They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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