You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
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I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
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Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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