come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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