who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
