Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
