be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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