sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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