her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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