my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
