My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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