Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
