Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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