Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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