At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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