I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She bit a glass in half.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
