I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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