I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
