I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
