At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
