I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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