Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
