we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
