you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
where are my eyebrows?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
