Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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