he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
