can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
