If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
