why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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