True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
