I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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