i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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