I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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