I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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