Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
