all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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