if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
