I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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