I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My balls are so social today.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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