Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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